Back to life... back to reality....

Remember this song by En Vogue... Love 80's tunes! 

Wes and I had a WONDERFUL time in Chicago.    We spent A LOT of the time walking around  the city.  Ate a ton of yummy food.  Went to the spot where Wes proposed to  me.  And went a Second City comedy show... Definitely recommend the Second City professional show.  Hilarious!   I'm so glad we went.

So, now it's.... back to life... back to reality...

This week has been super crazy... we had an accepted offer on our house last week (the one before fell through which also led to craziness) so we are dealing with all the contingencies from the perspective new buyer.  Including the dreaded inspection.  (I loath ever buying an older home!)

Besides my RE's the rest of my time has been spent at my realtor's office.  2 offices I am super sick of visiting but can't give up on either!

So that wonderful pain that I had been feeling on my right side that I thought was pregnancy related... was definitely not pregnancy related one bit.  It was cyst related.  I went in for an u/s today because of the pain.  There was some fluid around my ovary which they think is from a cyst popping.  And I have another tiny cyst.  They don't think the little <1cm cyst is causing the pain but it's probably the fluid.  Since the size of the cyst was tiny I was told to go continue with my meds.  I am taking Letrozole days 3-7 then 2 vials menopur 7-10. 

Before signing off I want to give a shout out to Nico!  Congratulations to you and your family on your new beautiful addition, baby Cameron!  So happy for you he's absolutely adorable!!!!!!  Love you lots!  xoxo

She's here

Started spotting Thursday night.  Put in a tampon and woke up to a lovely mess,... red undies and red all over our white sheets sheets... grreaat..  Super Tampon was not enough to hold back that lining!  So it's officially back to the drawing board.  I did get AF sooner than I usually do when stopping progesterone.  It usually takes about 5 days and it only took 1 day this time.  I wonder if my progesterone level was super low this time around?  hmm....  Since AF arrived early I'm a bit nervous to let the RE know about my official day 1... eek!  Oh well, It's not about making them happy anyway. 

Wes and I are in Chicago to celebrate our 5 year anniversary this weekend!  yey!  We toasted to 5 years this morning over coffee:)

Here is a random pic that I took while I was on my way to pick up our sushi dinner last night.  Not sure why I took this pic with my phone but I did and I have a few quotes that I thought fit well with how I've been feeling these fast few days and how I just need to keep on moving forward...

• Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, for an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. That surrender, even the smallest act of giving up, stays with me. So when I feel like quitting, I ask myself, which would I rather live with? --Lance Armstrong

Left leg, right leg, one leg at a time... I keep on walking... I keep on walking - Jim James (My Morning Jacket lyrics)

 

Thanks for the support

Thank you everyone for you emails, calls, texts and posts.  It is so nice to have such wonderful friends and family.  BFN's do not get any easier.  A little piece of my heart seems to chips off each time.  Will this ever happen?  I mean really?  Beta was negative today 9dp5dt and they want me to stay on meds until 11dp... no thank you.  I need to move on. AF arrive ASAP - ok?
When I was talking with my mom, she said that I should look into surrogacy.  I don't want to give up because I know I can get pregnant.  I am going to try another round of Femera and Menopur to holpfully grow follicles.  It is quite discouraging that no follicles grew last time. I'm wondering if I should do just a menopur cycle, but that starts getting really expensive and it seems to be one or the other with me... overstimm or understimm..  Please oh please let this be the cycle.
Love,
Becky

7dp5dt= BFN

I've had a really shart stabing pain on my right side, so I thought for sure I was preggo.  Well, I'm definitely not.  I'm just devistated.  Why can't I get pregnant again?  What in this universe is preventing me from the one thing I have wanted for years.  I'm heart broken.  I was so positive this time around.  I tried to do everything right.  I just want to be a mom.  I want a baby. Most importantly,  I don't want to be sad about this anymore.  I know it's me that has the control over being sad or happy but I feel weak today.  Wes was so sad today too. He didn't want to leave me this morning, but of course he had to.  It just sucks.  Why do I care so much?  Why can't I just go on with my life like this doesn't hurt.  That BFN's are normal? 

To pee or not to pee..

on a stick that is!  Wes had already gotten up this morning and had started with his day.  I laid in bed for an hour, pretending like I was still sleeping,  but  in actuality I was debating to myself on weather or not to pee on the dreaded stick.  I had convinced myself to do it at one point because I was having little twinges... but I then convinced myself that those twinges were only because I had to poop.  I decided in the end it wasn't worth ruining my day.  I didn't want to be said, I want to hold on to some hope that my emby's could still be burrowing away all snug into their nice home.

After I got up and went to the bathroom, nixing the stick idea, I made yummy french toast, cleaned up because we had another house showing (yes, our realtor wants us to continue to show the house until everything is signed sealed delivered with our house).  The went on a walk with two of my neighbors Pat and Betty. 

Pat is 70 years old and is as active as a teenager.  She walks about 5-10 miles each day.  Bakes non-stop, sews (taught me how to sew too!), knits, etc.. She lost her husband about 15 years ago and chooses to remain a single widow.  Anyhow, she has been my savior during some difficult times.  When I've been having a bad day I'll go over to her house and knit with her.  Or we'll go for walks.  She knows I am trying to get pregnant. I will miss her dearly when we move to NYC.

Still holding out to test

Really scared of seeing a BFN but boy o boy do I want to know what is going on in there.  Yesterday my husband said to me "I can't wait to have a lil one running around".  It made me so happy to hear him say this, yet it makes me sad too because I want this SOOOO badly. 

It's gorgeous out today.  65 degrees, sunny and warm.  I tell ya if it wasn't for this awesome weather I probably would have ripped open an HPT by now.  My lack of symptoms definitely worries me, but like my good friend Allie posted around this time after her FET, "ignorance is bliss".

72hp5dt...

Today I'm at my parents house, the house where I grew up, in Barrington, IL.  I always love coming home.  I get a warm and cozy feeling everytime I come through the garage door.  My cat is always waiting at the top of the stairs welcoming me with a big ole meow.  It's the best.... I found my cat when I was 13.  Yep, she is 18 and still ticking!  I would love to take her back to Madison with me but that would probably be too much change for this lil ole lady that it's probably best she stays put.  My parents take good care of her.

Went for a 2 mile walk today.  It took me 40 minutes.  Now that is some slow sailing.  It felt good to move my bones and hope it didn't dislodge any burrowing emby's out of there nest! 

Really hoping to hold out on POAS!

Today is 2dp5dt.

After my last transfer I POAS at 3dp5dt, crazy right?  It's so true that once you start POAS you can't stop. I was POAS nutzo from that point on.  Begging to go in for a beta at 5dp5dt, etc.  I was able to get a beta at 7dp5dt last time and it resulted in 0.7.  My doc was hopeful, I sure was not.  I had to hold out until 10dp5dt, just in case.  My beta at 10dp was 0.6.  She seems to think that something did try to attach. 

Still feeling hopeful that this could be "the transfer".  I am off to Chicago in a few hours to go stay at my parents house.  Since I work from home hpt's are too close for comfort during the day.  I do hate leaving my husband but it'll be good for me to get out of our house.

Speaking of our house, we just had an accepted offer yesterday!  After oodles of showings, we finally got an offer... shew!  Hoping everything goes well for a successful close. 

Babies on Deck

Yesterday I transferred 2 of my last 4 babies to my nice cozy uterine home.  I was fortunate to have my mom with me this time.  Wes could not take anymore time off work so I asked my mom to come.  She was definitely the next best thing:)  She didn't come into the room where the emby's were transferred but she was there with me for everything else, all the waiting.  I had read a study where a comedian came in after IVF transfers and the success rates just about doubled. She was looking up jokes on her Ipad.   They weren't that funny, nonetheless, they made me laugh and and definitely kept my spirits high.

It was a good day.

P.S.  here is an article about the study:  http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2011/jan/13/pregnancy-ivf-comedy-laughter-clown

31 and counting

Last Tuesday was my 31st birthday. It's interesting how we associate so much with age. My husband always tells me, "you are as old as you think you are". Well, I like to believe this for the most part. Sure, I don't 'feel' 31, nor do I feel 21. It's hard turning a whole year older knowing that on my 30th birthday I was struggling with the same TTC issues. A full year is a long time. However, we did start TTC soon after my 29th birthday. Anyhow, I have started my 31st year with new hope.  It’s another year of life and I have to live.... not only for me but most importantly for my husband.  He needs his wife.  There is no guarantee that this will be there year my husband and I take home a baby of our own, but I have hope and faith.   

Monday is going to be a good day:)   

Here is a picture my husband took of me with my 31^st birthday cake.  I really wanted a cookie cake and the only one’s available at Metcalf’s around 9PM were Easter cakes. 

 .

Who knew TTC would be so hard? Not me. We were taught that pregnancy can happen any time..  Ha! Oh how I wish I could get a refund for all the months of BCP's.

I have always wanted to be a mother and always hoped that one day I would be luck enough to find a wonderful man to start a family with. I have been so blessed to have found my husband Wes. He is the sweetest most wonderful person. I love him more than anything and the best part about it is that I know he feels the same about me. He's my soul mate. Unconditional love is hard to find and I am one of the lucky one's... I've found it:)

We met in 2003 at a wedding.  Married 4 years later. 

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.... 
We have the first two of the above completed.. The baby part.. not yet!  But hopefully soon:)

 Here is a short synopsys of my TTC road (still being traveled)


May 2010: Stop BCP's - No period for 5 months


Sept 2010: Failed Provera challenge to try and induce a bleed.


Oct 2010: Failed Provera challege AGAIN


November: Trid clomid.... Bleed 25 days later, did not ovulate


January: Clomid attempt #2. did not ovulate again, did not get period.


February: Clomid attempt #3: did not ovulate: bled 20ish days later


March 2011: Went to RE at Wisconsin Fertility Institute. Tried Femera, u/s 12 days later. 2 small follies growing. added more femera. 1 follie at 20mm. Triggered. and Timed Intercourse BFN


April 2011: Femera again. No follies grew. Doctor wanted me to wait until I finished training for my 1/2 marathon before proceeding to try another cycle. I was really hesitant to wait to do this but did it any way.


Stopped running and limit exercise.


May 2011: Femera + Follistim: 2 x 16mm follies. Triggered + Timed Intercourse BFN


June 2011: Decided to try Generations Fertility Institute for a month. Femera + Menopur (2 days). No follies grew. Moved me to Follistim... upped me to about 200iu and overstimmed... 40follies were growing! They CANCELLED my cycle. would not move me to IVF. So I switched back to WFI.


July: Decided to move to IVF.


July 2011: BCP's. for IVF


August /September 2011: Egg retrieval 20 eggs. 18 mature. 18 fertilized. 10 froze.


Canceled cycled due to server OHSS


October 2011: FET1 3 x 2mg estrodiol pills. lining at day 15 = 7.9 mm - BFN


FET#2: lining check = 6mm. added e2 patches. lining did not have triple stripe cancelled.


Moved to e2 Injects. FET#2 Dec 2011 BFP!!! Betas doubled beautifully.


u/s at 6weeks showed slow hb.


Jan 2011: D and C


March 2012


FET#3: 1st lining Prep poor lining. Had to shed lining. Cancelled


FET#3: lining prep = gret lining 10mm! BFN


Was I too stressed, depressed, exercising too much, who knows. The outcome was a BFN.


March/April 2012


Cycle agenda: Letrozole +Menopur (1 vial) +TI


CD12: Lining 8mm and 0 follies growing... did I ovulate. Nope! Progesterone = 0.48


4 more days of Menopur (1.5vials) = 10mm lining (pretty), no follies, and did not ovulate. Perfect lining for a FET so that is what we are going to do...


FET transfer on April 9th. Will transfer 2 of my last 4 frozen babies.

How do I feel?: Scared, helpless, excited, worried, nervous