Back to life... back to reality....

Remember this song by En Vogue... Love 80's tunes! 

Wes and I had a WONDERFUL time in Chicago.    We spent A LOT of the time walking around  the city.  Ate a ton of yummy food.  Went to the spot where Wes proposed to  me.  And went a Second City comedy show... Definitely recommend the Second City professional show.  Hilarious!   I'm so glad we went.

So, now it's.... back to life... back to reality...

This week has been super crazy... we had an accepted offer on our house last week (the one before fell through which also led to craziness) so we are dealing with all the contingencies from the perspective new buyer.  Including the dreaded inspection.  (I loath ever buying an older home!)

Besides my RE's the rest of my time has been spent at my realtor's office.  2 offices I am super sick of visiting but can't give up on either!

So that wonderful pain that I had been feeling on my right side that I thought was pregnancy related... was definitely not pregnancy related one bit.  It was cyst related.  I went in for an u/s today because of the pain.  There was some fluid around my ovary which they think is from a cyst popping.  And I have another tiny cyst.  They don't think the little <1cm cyst is causing the pain but it's probably the fluid.  Since the size of the cyst was tiny I was told to go continue with my meds.  I am taking Letrozole days 3-7 then 2 vials menopur 7-10. 

Before signing off I want to give a shout out to Nico!  Congratulations to you and your family on your new beautiful addition, baby Cameron!  So happy for you he's absolutely adorable!!!!!!  Love you lots!  xoxo

She's here

Started spotting Thursday night.  Put in a tampon and woke up to a lovely mess,... red undies and red all over our white sheets sheets... grreaat..  Super Tampon was not enough to hold back that lining!  So it's officially back to the drawing board.  I did get AF sooner than I usually do when stopping progesterone.  It usually takes about 5 days and it only took 1 day this time.  I wonder if my progesterone level was super low this time around?  hmm....  Since AF arrived early I'm a bit nervous to let the RE know about my official day 1... eek!  Oh well, It's not about making them happy anyway. 

Wes and I are in Chicago to celebrate our 5 year anniversary this weekend!  yey!  We toasted to 5 years this morning over coffee:)

Here is a random pic that I took while I was on my way to pick up our sushi dinner last night.  Not sure why I took this pic with my phone but I did and I have a few quotes that I thought fit well with how I've been feeling these fast few days and how I just need to keep on moving forward...

• Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, for an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. That surrender, even the smallest act of giving up, stays with me. So when I feel like quitting, I ask myself, which would I rather live with? --Lance Armstrong

Left leg, right leg, one leg at a time... I keep on walking... I keep on walking - Jim James (My Morning Jacket lyrics)

 

Thanks for the support

Thank you everyone for you emails, calls, texts and posts.  It is so nice to have such wonderful friends and family.  BFN's do not get any easier.  A little piece of my heart seems to chips off each time.  Will this ever happen?  I mean really?  Beta was negative today 9dp5dt and they want me to stay on meds until 11dp... no thank you.  I need to move on. AF arrive ASAP - ok?
When I was talking with my mom, she said that I should look into surrogacy.  I don't want to give up because I know I can get pregnant.  I am going to try another round of Femera and Menopur to holpfully grow follicles.  It is quite discouraging that no follicles grew last time. I'm wondering if I should do just a menopur cycle, but that starts getting really expensive and it seems to be one or the other with me... overstimm or understimm..  Please oh please let this be the cycle.
Love,
Becky

7dp5dt= BFN

I've had a really shart stabing pain on my right side, so I thought for sure I was preggo.  Well, I'm definitely not.  I'm just devistated.  Why can't I get pregnant again?  What in this universe is preventing me from the one thing I have wanted for years.  I'm heart broken.  I was so positive this time around.  I tried to do everything right.  I just want to be a mom.  I want a baby. Most importantly,  I don't want to be sad about this anymore.  I know it's me that has the control over being sad or happy but I feel weak today.  Wes was so sad today too. He didn't want to leave me this morning, but of course he had to.  It just sucks.  Why do I care so much?  Why can't I just go on with my life like this doesn't hurt.  That BFN's are normal? 

To pee or not to pee..

on a stick that is!  Wes had already gotten up this morning and had started with his day.  I laid in bed for an hour, pretending like I was still sleeping,  but  in actuality I was debating to myself on weather or not to pee on the dreaded stick.  I had convinced myself to do it at one point because I was having little twinges... but I then convinced myself that those twinges were only because I had to poop.  I decided in the end it wasn't worth ruining my day.  I didn't want to be said, I want to hold on to some hope that my emby's could still be burrowing away all snug into their nice home.

After I got up and went to the bathroom, nixing the stick idea, I made yummy french toast, cleaned up because we had another house showing (yes, our realtor wants us to continue to show the house until everything is signed sealed delivered with our house).  The went on a walk with two of my neighbors Pat and Betty. 

Pat is 70 years old and is as active as a teenager.  She walks about 5-10 miles each day.  Bakes non-stop, sews (taught me how to sew too!), knits, etc.. She lost her husband about 15 years ago and chooses to remain a single widow.  Anyhow, she has been my savior during some difficult times.  When I've been having a bad day I'll go over to her house and knit with her.  Or we'll go for walks.  She knows I am trying to get pregnant. I will miss her dearly when we move to NYC.

Still holding out to test

Really scared of seeing a BFN but boy o boy do I want to know what is going on in there.  Yesterday my husband said to me "I can't wait to have a lil one running around".  It made me so happy to hear him say this, yet it makes me sad too because I want this SOOOO badly. 

It's gorgeous out today.  65 degrees, sunny and warm.  I tell ya if it wasn't for this awesome weather I probably would have ripped open an HPT by now.  My lack of symptoms definitely worries me, but like my good friend Allie posted around this time after her FET, "ignorance is bliss".