Baby pic

Here is a pic from my 17 week u/s.  I meant to post this 3 weeks ago!  He looks a little creapy as it was still really early for 3D u/s's

Update time! 20 weeks

It has been about 5 weeks since my last post!  I left you all with us preparing for Hurricane Sandy.  We survived the stormJ  But I tell ya, we are lucky.  People had it so much worse.  We were out of power, heat and water for over a week.  We live on 14^th Street, right next to where the con Ed power explosion was, pretty scary.  When the plant exploded there was a huge blue flash o light and a large boom that filed our apartment.

 We have a dog and taking her up and down 10 flights of stairs in a pitch-black stairwell 3-4 times a day was really tough on her.  It was really tough to carry her too.  We luckily found a hotel that takes dogs up on 49^th and 1^st Ave so we stayed there for bout 4 nights.  My husband works at NYU, Bellevue and the VA hospitals which were out of commission because of the storm. In fact, for the most part, they are still out of commission.  It was nice having DH around for about 2 weeks

What else have I done over the past month or so.. Oh yea, went to San Diego, CA to visit my family.  My brother and sister live out here with their families.  It was great to see their kids.  My sister and sister in law took me to get registered at Babies R Us.  So fun!  I got most of the essentials picked out.  I decided to also register at Amazon.com.  The one thing that I have not at all decided on and have plenty of time for is deciding on a crib.  I really want a white crib but I know that for a boy it is not a common to have white.  Anyhow, I am torn about that. 

On the pregnancy front I found out at my anatomy scan that I have Placenta Previa.  My placenta is completely covering my cervix.   The only thin I was told to refrain from is sex.  My next scan is actually tomorrow.  I’m pretty nervous.  I really do not want o be put on bed rest.  Say a little prayer Mr Placenta has started migrating north this winterJ

Hurriane Sandy Heading Our Way!

Now we are getting ready for Hurricane Sandy.  We live right in the evacuation zone. But not going to evacuate.  Our building is pretty safe and high up.  This morning we went to Trader Joes’ to stock up.  Thank goodness we went when we did because by the time we left there was a line down 14^th Street of people waiting to just get into the store.  At the time we bought only gallons of H2O thinking that would be enough in case we lose water during the store.  second guessed only  gallons and went out to buy more, well, the stores are all out!  We went to like 15 different stores  and nada!  Flashlights were sold out too!  I did get the last one at a little bodega down the street.  The guy behind the counter was a little hesitant to give me the last one.  Honestly, we have nothing in terms of flashlights and candles.  They are all in storage back in Chicago!  We were not anticipating a huge scary storm during our year in NYC. Wish us luck! 

Guest Guests and more Guests.. Job stuff too

 

We had a slew of visitors in town over the past few weeks.  I loved it because it kept me super busy and entertained.  First one of Wes’s college buddies came in town for an interview.  Then we had one of our best couple friends come in from Madison for a few days then followed one of my best girl friends from Louisville.  The I had about 2 days to clean up the apartment and rest before my parents came to visit for a week.  My parents left of Monday. 

 

Right after my parents left the following day I became super anxious.  I really don’t like being by myself.  I have been working from home for this company that is based out of Chicago.  I had built up my Wisconsin over the last 5 years but when we moved to NYC I was no longer allowed to work my built up territory.  Another girl came in and took my position.  My boss gave me the opportunity to build up the Philadelphia territory while I live in NYC but honestly I have not had the energy at all to do this.  We

 

I have been looking for part time jobs in the city, something to get me out of the house and to be with people. You guys know of anyone hiring? ;-) I have gone around to boutiques in the area and really no bites so far.  I really hope something comes through.

 

On the baby side of things I went in again last week.  I had my 13 week appointment and my doctor only looked for the heartbeat with a Doppler. Of course, he was able to find it right away with his fancy-smancy devise.  Pretty uneventful appointment.  It just makes no sense why my at home Doppler picks up everything but the babies heartbeat.  If anyone is seriously considering getting a Doppler for home use, take my advise and don’t get one.  Way too much unnecessary anxiety.  If you don’t listen to me, that’s’ fine, b/c I don’t listen to my own advise either, think twice about the Sonoline-B.  There has be to a better at home Doppler out there.

 

Long entry but I want to put down one last thing.  DH and I had a fantastic day today.  Took the dog for a nice walk along the East River.  Then went up to 30 Rockefellar Plaza and went on the NBC Experience tour.  Pretty cool!  The cast was actually practicing for the SNL show tonight!  We saw a bunch of the actors including Keenan Thompson.  So fun! 

12 weeks!

I NEVER thought I would get this far. The Nuchal scan was AMAZING!  Baby was moving his arms all around and at one point did a bouncing maneuver - so cool!  Right when they found the baby with the ultra sound I yelled out, "oh my god, it's moving in there!"  I did not expect to see that.  His(I'm convinced it's a boy) legs were crossed - kinda cute if you ask me:) Now we have to wait and hear back about the chromosome testing.  A wee bit nervous about that.  Won't hear anything until the end of the week.

One thing I'm surprised about is the fact that I did not cry.  It was so beautiful seeing the baby swimming around.  Why did I not cry?  DH cried at one point, but not me.  Dry as a whistle.  I know I will cry tears of relief and joy at some point.. I know I will, right?  

"I'll have what she's having" and 11 weeks 2 days

Everyone who has seen the movie When Harry Met Sally has remember that famous diner scene when Meg Rayan in demonstrating a fake orgasam.  We've had friends in town the past few days so we did touristy things.  We went to the Katz Deli, whih is atually really lose to where I live - who knew?!  Anyhow, the place was super crowded and we weere able to get the famous table where Meg Ryan  & Billy Crystal sat!  Below is a picture of me sitting at the table. That's me, in the grey t-shirt.  I have no idea who the girl in the purple t-shirt is but I'm 

 11 weeks down.  Yee haw!  My friend from the fertile thoughts board shared an article about IF and there was a quote that hits home for me and my anxiety.  I’m sure many of you can relate to this quote as well.

“Women who become pregnant after infertility treatments face more complex challenges than those with a natural pregnancy” “They can’t relax; there’s incredible fear and anxiety over miscarriage or birth defects. They’ve usually spent years in infertility treatment, and are used to things not working out.”

Things not working out… That’s exactly it.  It just doesn’t feel real that this could finally, actually be “working out”. 

 

xoxo

10 weeks 2 days

10 weeks 2 days

 

I went in again yesterday, 10 weeks 1 day and was measuring 10 weeks 2 days.  So nice to see that heart beating…  Still scared as ever but the more reassurance I have the more relaxed I feel.  Unfortunately, I will not get reassurance with my Doppler in my first trimester.  The little bugger is hiding pretty well!  The doctor still can’t find the baby with the external ultra sound so he has to go vaginally.  Would be nice to graduate to external, just like it would be nice to be holding my baby in my arms alreadyJ  my dotor totally thinks I’m a bit loony as I have come in almost every week to be checked, but really, I do not care if I am “that” patient.  After he scanned me he told me that I don’t have to come back for  weeks, but come back whenever you want.  lol 

 

Last weekend we went to Louisville, KY.  DH’s Grandpa passed away.  It was a very sad weekend.  We ended up telling his parents because I have been so nauseaus and tired and we didn’t want them to think I was being rude because I was so lethargic the whole time. They were, of course, thrilled. 

 

Sorry for such a blah update.  I will hopefully have more energy once these next few weeks pass and I am apparently in the ‘safe zone”. 

Still beating:)

I met my new OB.  He was really nice, seemed smartJ so,  I think I’ll be in good hands.  He is nice enough to let me come back in 2 weeks for another scan instead of the routine 4 weeks.  I told him how scared I was and e said it was not a problem for me to come back more frequently until I felt more “settled” – yey! 

I can’t believe the baby doubled since last week.  He is now 1.91 cm, which measures 4 days ahead of schedule.  I measured 8weeks days and I was only 7weeks6days. The u/s machine at the OB’s office is so old that it doesn’t even read BPM, but it did look as though it was pumping pretty well to the doc.  I am shocked at how old everything is in NYC a supposedly “progressive” city.  I bet the u/s machine that they wheeled in was one of the first u/s machines ever!    I thought NYU's machines were old, but OMG - this was a dinosaur.  I was spoiled with all the fancy new equitment in Wisconsin.

I did buy a Doppler and I tried It out a few days ago.  I knew it was too early to find a heart beat but I wanted to try.  Even though I am 8 weeks I’m too scared to try again.  I know the baby is doing great as of yesterday so I will stay content with that

We have had a few more celebrity sightings.  I will share those pics with you at my next post. 

As for now, I’m pretty nauseous 24/7. However, eating makes me feel better.  So, I eat a lot.  Try to eat healthy but it's hard to do all the time.  I take a nap just about everyday.   I have been exercising every other day for about 30 minutes on the elliptical too, hoping that will help with the munchies. 

It’s a Spanish Peanut with a Heartbeat!

Today I am 6 weeks 5 days.  And I measured 6 weeks 5 days.  CRL .81cm.  The doctor referred to the size of the baby as a “Spanish Peanut”.  So, my husband continues to refer to “it” as a Spanish Peanut.  The heartbeat was 128.  So now it is off to the OB.  I will be 8 weeks 1 day at my first OB appointment.  11 days to go!  That seems like a long time to wait before seeing my Spanish Peanut. 

I also caved and bought a fetal Doppler today.  I am not sure when it will arrive, but I kind of hope it doesn’t arrive until after my next ultra sound b/c I know it is too early to find a hb with one of those things so early.  I may need my husband to hide it from me =0

Really cute DH move today: During my last pregnancy my sister gave me her prenatal yoga DVD, which I obviously never ended up using.  I figured they were packed away some where in our zillions of storage boxes, just because we didn’t bring much to NYC.  Especially things we would not use.  I was wrong, DH packed them and brought them out to me this afternoon and said, “I though you might need these.”  Lo and behold he wsa holding prenatal yoga DVD’s!   It made me so happy:)  1. It was really sweet of him.  2. I don’t have to go out an buy a pre-natal yoga DVDJ

 

Happy Labor Day! 

 

xoxo

So far so good

I've received a few emails, apparently I've left a few of you hanging.  Anyhow, I had a scan on Sunday 5weeks 4days because of a little scare I had with our oven releasing chemical fumes.  I was measuring 1 day ahead, which was very nice to hear and the doctor could see the start of cardiac activity.  It was not measurable yet, but he was happy to see it so soon.  I go back next Monday and will hopefully be released. At this point I am hopeful and yet still super nervous. 

Due Date

Today, Aug 22^nd is the due date of the baby I miscarried back in January. I’m crying as I am writing this.   I really did not think it would affect me this much. I knew this day would come, and I had no idea how I would feel, but it really sucks. I think that since I am in limbo waiting for heartbeat for this current pregnancy it’s making today hard.  To hear a normal heartbeat!  That is all I ask for. 

The scariest of TWW's

This is just about the worst of all the waits for me. I am so scared to go into that ultra-sound room and see no h/b or a slow heartbeat.  The last time I was pregnant I went into my u/s at 5w6days and I was measuring only 5w3days.  So of course there was no h/b.  Went back 1 week later and that is when we saw the slow h/b.  My RE was optimistic but after everything we read online we knew there was only a 15% chance of this working out in our favor.  After that I was able to go to my OB and get checked almost daily to see if the h/b had stopped.  I could not get a D&C until it was completely stopped, which was around 8 weeks.  Those weeks were just about the most depressing weeks of my life and I can’t imagine going through that ever again. 

2nd Beta

276!

It more than doubled.  Shew!  The first hurdle has been cleared.  
I go in for a mandatory 21dpo repeat beta next Wednesday. 

HPT Picture and Beta!

I have received a few picture requests.  Here it is.  This one is from today 7dp5dt.  It is only slightly darker than the one from yesterday.   Of course that makes me worry b/c I wanted it to be like 10x darker than the one yesterday:)

I also got up bright and early to get my beta drawn.  I wasnt' sure if they were going to let me b/c it was 2 days before my required date.  Carol, the main nurse, whom I love comes to get me from the waiting room, puts her arm around me and says to me, "looks like you are doing well".  Then she tells me to sit in the blood room as one of the other nurses will come in to draw your blood.  My designated blood drawer this morning comes and sits in front of me and says, you know it's early and it could be the HCG from your trigger... I was like... ummm I don't think so that was quite a while ago.  Another nurse behind her buts in and says, I could get get my blood drawn... yey!  Well the mean-ole nurse that designated blood drawer pokes me like 5  times before she actually found a vein that would draw blood.  Bad phlebotomist if you ask me!  Anyhow, I walk away wounded, annoyed and happy that I did get my beta drawn.

As I was finishing the last paragraph I got a call from a NICE nurse to tell me, congratulations - that I am definitely pregnant.  My beta is 75.   I'll take it for now.  Stay tuned for Wednesday.  Doubling successfully complete the beta hurdle.

.

2 lines

I had a hunch something was brewing.  I have started to have weird food aversions and just felt off.  Last night I went to bed at 7.30.  The same time as my 1 year old nephew, pathetic, right?  I bought HPT’s last night in case I wanted to test in the morning.  A wise friend of mine (Nico) told me to hold off and I really did think I was going to…    Woke up bright and early and had breakfast with my nephews, played with them for a while.  At this point I had probably peed at least twice already. 

I started getting my carry-on suitcase packed.  My flight back to NYC was in a few hours.  To minimize space in my tiny roll-on bag I unpackaged the goods I purchased in Chicago b/c they are about half the price there than in NYC (razors, bars of soap, protein bars, etc).  As I was taking the FRERs out of their box I realized I had to pee and the packaging basically opened itself and the stick followed me to the toilet.  I told myself I would not be upset if it was a BFN b/c it was the 3^rd pee of the day  on only 6dp5dt.  So I couldn’t be super upset that I tested. 

I had a hard time looking at it at first.  The control line popped up very fast.  I looked away for a few seconds.  As I was looking back I started saying to the test out loud, “come on, come on”.  It really looked like a ‘ghost line and before I ripped open the test as most of us have done at some point, the 2^nd line became much clearer.  I IMMEDIATELY ran and called DH….  He guessed it as soon as I called.  It was really cute. 

I am super apprehensive and will not get overjoyed until a doubling beta and a good strong heartbeat.  I am content that I am not allergic to pregnancy.  After the m/c and 2 failed FET’s following m/c  I was beginning to wonder.

Thank you all for your prayers and words of support. 

Spotting...

Spotting….

Today is 4dp5dt and I noticed a wee bit of spotting when I whipped. I know some people have what is called “implantation spotting”, but I’m just not convinced that is the case.  It is light brown / beginning of period looking.  And I have some period cramps but I figure that is probably because of the sena-kot I took this morning to help me poop.    I called my RE’s office and they said that it is “hormone changes”… Whatever the frick that means.  I am still planning on waiting until the 15^th for my beta.  I just loathe HPT’s.  They have hurt my feelings too darn much in the past.  Any thoughts on what you all think the spotting could be would be most appreciated.

Besides wondering what is going on down below, I am enjoying my time with my adorable nephews and my wonderful sister-in-law and brother.    I am lucky to say that  I LOVE my sister in law. She rocks and I consider her one of my best friends.  Being here with my family is definitely making this TWW somewhat manageable.

Emby 8 made it!

So happy to report that the embryo that they thought might not make it, in fact did make itJ  So I have a total of 8 day 5 embryo’s.  Can’t even begin to explain how much better it is going to a nationally regarded quality clinic versus a small clinic in Madison, WI.  Almost all of the ebryo’s retrieved survived except for two. And there is one doing it’s thing in my uterus…. Hopefully, making a snug  home for the next 10 months. 

Transfer day

Many thanks to al of you that have called and texted, emailed me yesterday and today!  I am so thankful to have your support:) MWAH! Today went well. I got to the clinic at 11AM.  They had me in a gown and ready to roll right at 11:30 on the dot!  Dr L came in and talked to me and DH about our embryo’s.  He said that my embryo’s were “gorgeous” and that he rarely says that to anyone. Very nice to hear but still hard to get super excited. I’ll believe it when a viable embryo finally sticks to my uterus.  Dr L convinced us to proceed with a Single Egg Transfer.  I was definitely going in there thinking we would transfer two but he really thought we are good candidates for transferring one.  In a way I have secretly want twins but will listen to the doctor and re-evaluate if need be.

So out of the 11 retrieved 10 mature fertilized.  There was one they thought would not survive but ended up doing great, however we lost one hat they thought was doing well.  There is one embryo hanging out for one more day.  So the total definite freeze count is 7 – woohoo! 

For the rest of the day today I am laying low, watching the Olympics, snuggling with Fifi on the couch (first time she has been allowed on the couch – shhhh:). 

One thing I need to mention is that I have finally told my whole family about IVF.  And, of course, they have all been super supportive.  I don’t know why I felt like I should hide my issues from them before.  It is such a relief that they know and I have them cheering me on too. 

HCG Beta is not until the 15^th – boo!  Don’t plan on testing either.  I am going to Chicago on Thursday.  My brother, sister and law and my nephews are flying in from San Diego for the week to visit my parents.  I thought this was a great opportunity to see them, in addition they will keep me distracted from the dreaded pee sticks!

T-23 hours until my first FRESH transfer

NO signs of OHSS!  Well, I did feel really OHSS bloated a few days ago and that was after taking fifi for about a mile walk in the unbearable heat.  But it went away after a few hours of lying on the couch.  My ovaries are still super sore but that is to be expected.  But no real bloating!  Taking it easy is the name of the game right now.  The only problem is that to do ANYTHING in NYC it requires walking or paying and arm and a leg for a taxi.  I have a group-on for a water cruise around the Statue of Liberty.  We thought that was a perfect idea for a Sunday afternoon.  Well, to get there it is a 2.5 mile walk or a 1 mile walk plus a 30 minute subway ride.  So we just might have to save the water cruise / sightseeing tour for another day…

I found out on Friday that I won’t hear if that 10^th embryo mad e it until tomorrow – day 5.  Kind of a bummer, but the nurse on the phone made it very clear that they do not re-check embryo’s until day 5. 

11:30AM is go time.  Dr. Licardi is scheduled to do my transfer.  And there is a huge possibility that my husband will be there too!  I’m hoping that having Wes there will be the lucky charm we need.

My VERY mysterious ovaries! And Converting to IVF

Those burning ovaries I had posted about turned out to be overstimming ovaries… aye yey yey!  Who knew with an AMH of .31 and only 2 antral follicles 10 follies could miraculously appear after only 5 days of menopur.  Doctors were pretty shocked and had no explanation for my over response.  I knew when I saw all those follies that there was no shot at an IUI cycle.  The docs seemed to have hope.  They kept e on almost no medicine, however, those follies had a mind of their own and kept on growing.  I knew my options.  1. Cancel cycle or 2. Convert to IVF.    If I chose option 1 I would most definitely have cysts and be out of the TTC game for who knows how long.  So, I chose option number 2….  Converting to IVF.  

We were hoping that the two dominant follicles would take off on their own and the others would retract (does that really ever happen???), however, on my scan last Saturday showed a perfect IVF scan.  10 mature follies around 16/17mm and a bunch of smaller ones.  My estrogen was still fairly low, around 1200, so I felt good that I would not get OHSS this time around.  They wanted the larger follies to get just a wee bit bigger before triggering.  Monday ended up being my trigger day.  And Wednesday was my retrieval.  They retrieved 11 eggs.  And 9 definitely fertilized naturally.  There is one egg that they were waiting to see what it would do.  I should find out today what is going on with that egg.   If OHSS stay away I am scheduled for a Monday transfer.  

Celeb Sightings, Film Sets and Burning Ovaries

Apparently the only way I am going to notice that a celebrity nearby is if I walk in the middle of a TV or movie set.  Yep, so far I have walked through the middle of a filming movie set, a filming TV set and sat next to a celebrity at dinner.  Of course, the only time I knew a celebrity was nearby was when I walked in the middle of the movie and TV sets.  Last Sunday Wes and I decided to have a drink and quesadillas at a Mexican restaurant by our apartment.  We brought out dog, so we sat outside on the long bench.  A couple sits next to us and Fifi says hello, we have a little yada yada chit chat while she pets Fifi for a few minutes.  And then go on and eat our respective meals.  Wes and I leave and as soon as we are out of ear shot Wes says, I know that girl was in the show “Lost”.  Anyhow, he was right.  We were sitting next to Rebecca Mader and chatting with her. She wasn’t a main character but she was on “Lost” – and I should have realized as I was a huge “Lost” fan.  Apparently I am going to have to keep on walking through movie sets as I venture the streets of NYC to actually realize I am in the vicinity of someone famous.  Below is a picture of James Mcavoy on the movie set I walked through:)

Oh yea, and burning ovaries… Today is the 4^th day of Menopur and I’m starting to feel that familiar ovary burning / stretching and growing sensation.  Tomorrow I go in to see what is going on with my e2 and if there really is an follie action going on… Doubtful given it has only been 4 days

FIFI!

Yes, our dogs name is Fifi.  Not the name we would have picked ourselves, but it just fits her.  I can't imagine calling her anything else at this point.  Plus, it probably makes her transition into her new home that much easier. 
Fifi is 5 years old and arrived from the adoption shelter on Sunday, July 15th.  July 15th is officially "Fifi day" :)  She is super sweet and very well mannered.  Here is the picture that was taken at the shelter.  Looking all fancy in her red flower:)

Post time!

So far so good in our new home of NYC.  It’s pretty easy to stay busy in this city.  Plus I have a few friends that still live here that we have spent time with.  One couple is from high school another couple from college.  I also went out to have a drink with an additional college friend that lives here.  In addition, our best friends drove down from Providence, RI last weekend and stayed with us.  They have a 5 month old (which I am a proud Auntie of) baby so it was fantastic getting to finally meet the lil one and hang out with our friends Meridith and Clint! 

TTC talk time – After a well needed TTC break I just found out my insurance does not cover IVF at all.  But it does cover IUI + monitoring and a portion of injections.  I have been paying completely out of pocket until now, so I guess I’ll take what I can get.  However, it looks like we can’t do IVF again unless we take out a loan. However, with my abrupt drop in atrial follicle count who knows if IVf would have worked anyway.   I am just going to stay hopeful for now that moving forward with an injectable cycle will get me knocked up.

Now I wait for CD2.  I took my last Provera today and hope to soon see AF for the last time in the next 10 months.

Oh, and we adopted a 5 year old Shiba Inu dog yesterday!  She’s awesome!  Such a sweetie and really cute!  Her name is Fifi – definitely not the name we would have chosen, but it has been her name her whole life. We thought it best that we just keep her name, plus the name does fit her well.  I’ll post pics tomorrow. xoxo

Moving to NYC part 1

Hello!

Wowzers.  These past few weeks have been crazy busy!  Moving moving moving.. That’s all we’ve been up to.  We first packed up all our stuff from our home in Madison into a Penske truck and drove that down to my parents house outside of Chicago.    Unloaded what we wanted to take with us to NYC onto an ABF trailer truck (pic attached) and then stored the rest of our stuff in my parents garage.  I drove back with Wes to Madison where we camped out on the floor of our living room to enjoy our last night in our first house.  We had to be out of our house the following day so I spent the day cleaning and making our house spick and span for the new owners.  Saying goodbye to our house was heartbreaking.  Standing on our deck, walking around our back yard, closing that front door for the last time, was so much harder than I ever imagined.  I was in my neighbors driveway re-packing my car before heading back to Chicago and I saw the new owners drive up to our old house for their first time, their kid running up to what I still considered our front door, was just too hard to watch.   Wes had to finish up his last week of work in Madison that week so he stayed with a friend while I stayed with my parents. …

On June 27^th we arrived in our new home city of NYC!  Stay tuned with for moving part 2J

My ovaries defied the odds

On Monday night Wes and I had a bit of a cry session about our loss last January and how much these past few months of failed FET's have plain sucked.  I told him that sometimes I need him to just be a cheerleader.  The next morning I woke up to this note (above) that made me smile.  I thought to myself that this was going to be an awesome day!  A few minutes later I hear from my RE and a good day turned bad real fastL  My results came back.   My AMH is .35 (booo!).  No wonder I have stopped responding well to meds.  How does one go from hyperstimming 50 follicles to no follicles?  My fertility plummited in the blink of an eye.... it just stink.  Anyhow, my RE told me that I have to “act fast”…I thought to myself,  isn’t that what I’ve been doing?? 

I need a medication vacation.  It is time to reset, recharge, take a lockerroom break and get back into the ring in July.  Believe it or not, I’m okay with that!  I have been going pretty much non-stop for over a year now.  I need to redirect my focus elsewhere … sure, my thoughts and desire for a baby will no doubt still be lingering in that hopeful to be momma brain of mine.  There is so much that needs to be done for our move that really needs my 100% attention.  Or else we are not going to get from Madison to NYC all in one piece  I am Captain Mover in our family, and I'm okay with that too:)   

 For now this boxer is hanging up those ttc gloves for the next month or so. 

Happy thoughts to all. 

In need of some hope...

Wish I had good news to report but I don’t.   I went in on Monday for my cd12 u/s and there was no growth.  The upped my meds and I came back on Friday and there was still no growth.  The doctors (both came in to look at my ovaries) were shocked. They said, 'these are not the same ovaries we saw hyperstimming 6 months ago. I'm getting my AMH tested. I still only had 2 antral follies swimming around. They said it would be 1 in a million chance that I were into premature menapause, but they just can't rule that out. I get my result back at the end of next week.  (Stacy if you are reading this ,yes, I did copy and paste what I wrote to you via email:)) I am looking very seriously into surrogacy / gestational carrier for my 2 remaining embryo's.

For now I wait and see what my AMH reveals.  But everything that I have read on the internet about a low antral follicle count sure means that I am getting close to menopause. I am only 31!  This is going to be one heck of a long week… In need of some good TTC news. 

Love to all xoxo Becky

Back to life... back to reality....

Remember this song by En Vogue... Love 80's tunes! 

Wes and I had a WONDERFUL time in Chicago.    We spent A LOT of the time walking around  the city.  Ate a ton of yummy food.  Went to the spot where Wes proposed to  me.  And went a Second City comedy show... Definitely recommend the Second City professional show.  Hilarious!   I'm so glad we went.

So, now it's.... back to life... back to reality...

This week has been super crazy... we had an accepted offer on our house last week (the one before fell through which also led to craziness) so we are dealing with all the contingencies from the perspective new buyer.  Including the dreaded inspection.  (I loath ever buying an older home!)

Besides my RE's the rest of my time has been spent at my realtor's office.  2 offices I am super sick of visiting but can't give up on either!

So that wonderful pain that I had been feeling on my right side that I thought was pregnancy related... was definitely not pregnancy related one bit.  It was cyst related.  I went in for an u/s today because of the pain.  There was some fluid around my ovary which they think is from a cyst popping.  And I have another tiny cyst.  They don't think the little <1cm cyst is causing the pain but it's probably the fluid.  Since the size of the cyst was tiny I was told to go continue with my meds.  I am taking Letrozole days 3-7 then 2 vials menopur 7-10. 

Before signing off I want to give a shout out to Nico!  Congratulations to you and your family on your new beautiful addition, baby Cameron!  So happy for you he's absolutely adorable!!!!!!  Love you lots!  xoxo

She's here

Started spotting Thursday night.  Put in a tampon and woke up to a lovely mess,... red undies and red all over our white sheets sheets... grreaat..  Super Tampon was not enough to hold back that lining!  So it's officially back to the drawing board.  I did get AF sooner than I usually do when stopping progesterone.  It usually takes about 5 days and it only took 1 day this time.  I wonder if my progesterone level was super low this time around?  hmm....  Since AF arrived early I'm a bit nervous to let the RE know about my official day 1... eek!  Oh well, It's not about making them happy anyway. 

Wes and I are in Chicago to celebrate our 5 year anniversary this weekend!  yey!  We toasted to 5 years this morning over coffee:)

Here is a random pic that I took while I was on my way to pick up our sushi dinner last night.  Not sure why I took this pic with my phone but I did and I have a few quotes that I thought fit well with how I've been feeling these fast few days and how I just need to keep on moving forward...

• Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, for an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. That surrender, even the smallest act of giving up, stays with me. So when I feel like quitting, I ask myself, which would I rather live with? --Lance Armstrong

Left leg, right leg, one leg at a time... I keep on walking... I keep on walking - Jim James (My Morning Jacket lyrics)

 

Thanks for the support

Thank you everyone for you emails, calls, texts and posts.  It is so nice to have such wonderful friends and family.  BFN's do not get any easier.  A little piece of my heart seems to chips off each time.  Will this ever happen?  I mean really?  Beta was negative today 9dp5dt and they want me to stay on meds until 11dp... no thank you.  I need to move on. AF arrive ASAP - ok?
When I was talking with my mom, she said that I should look into surrogacy.  I don't want to give up because I know I can get pregnant.  I am going to try another round of Femera and Menopur to holpfully grow follicles.  It is quite discouraging that no follicles grew last time. I'm wondering if I should do just a menopur cycle, but that starts getting really expensive and it seems to be one or the other with me... overstimm or understimm..  Please oh please let this be the cycle.
Love,
Becky

7dp5dt= BFN

I've had a really shart stabing pain on my right side, so I thought for sure I was preggo.  Well, I'm definitely not.  I'm just devistated.  Why can't I get pregnant again?  What in this universe is preventing me from the one thing I have wanted for years.  I'm heart broken.  I was so positive this time around.  I tried to do everything right.  I just want to be a mom.  I want a baby. Most importantly,  I don't want to be sad about this anymore.  I know it's me that has the control over being sad or happy but I feel weak today.  Wes was so sad today too. He didn't want to leave me this morning, but of course he had to.  It just sucks.  Why do I care so much?  Why can't I just go on with my life like this doesn't hurt.  That BFN's are normal? 

To pee or not to pee..

on a stick that is!  Wes had already gotten up this morning and had started with his day.  I laid in bed for an hour, pretending like I was still sleeping,  but  in actuality I was debating to myself on weather or not to pee on the dreaded stick.  I had convinced myself to do it at one point because I was having little twinges... but I then convinced myself that those twinges were only because I had to poop.  I decided in the end it wasn't worth ruining my day.  I didn't want to be said, I want to hold on to some hope that my emby's could still be burrowing away all snug into their nice home.

After I got up and went to the bathroom, nixing the stick idea, I made yummy french toast, cleaned up because we had another house showing (yes, our realtor wants us to continue to show the house until everything is signed sealed delivered with our house).  The went on a walk with two of my neighbors Pat and Betty. 

Pat is 70 years old and is as active as a teenager.  She walks about 5-10 miles each day.  Bakes non-stop, sews (taught me how to sew too!), knits, etc.. She lost her husband about 15 years ago and chooses to remain a single widow.  Anyhow, she has been my savior during some difficult times.  When I've been having a bad day I'll go over to her house and knit with her.  Or we'll go for walks.  She knows I am trying to get pregnant. I will miss her dearly when we move to NYC.

Still holding out to test

Really scared of seeing a BFN but boy o boy do I want to know what is going on in there.  Yesterday my husband said to me "I can't wait to have a lil one running around".  It made me so happy to hear him say this, yet it makes me sad too because I want this SOOOO badly. 

It's gorgeous out today.  65 degrees, sunny and warm.  I tell ya if it wasn't for this awesome weather I probably would have ripped open an HPT by now.  My lack of symptoms definitely worries me, but like my good friend Allie posted around this time after her FET, "ignorance is bliss".

72hp5dt...

Today I'm at my parents house, the house where I grew up, in Barrington, IL.  I always love coming home.  I get a warm and cozy feeling everytime I come through the garage door.  My cat is always waiting at the top of the stairs welcoming me with a big ole meow.  It's the best.... I found my cat when I was 13.  Yep, she is 18 and still ticking!  I would love to take her back to Madison with me but that would probably be too much change for this lil ole lady that it's probably best she stays put.  My parents take good care of her.

Went for a 2 mile walk today.  It took me 40 minutes.  Now that is some slow sailing.  It felt good to move my bones and hope it didn't dislodge any burrowing emby's out of there nest! 

Really hoping to hold out on POAS!

Today is 2dp5dt.

After my last transfer I POAS at 3dp5dt, crazy right?  It's so true that once you start POAS you can't stop. I was POAS nutzo from that point on.  Begging to go in for a beta at 5dp5dt, etc.  I was able to get a beta at 7dp5dt last time and it resulted in 0.7.  My doc was hopeful, I sure was not.  I had to hold out until 10dp5dt, just in case.  My beta at 10dp was 0.6.  She seems to think that something did try to attach. 

Still feeling hopeful that this could be "the transfer".  I am off to Chicago in a few hours to go stay at my parents house.  Since I work from home hpt's are too close for comfort during the day.  I do hate leaving my husband but it'll be good for me to get out of our house.

Speaking of our house, we just had an accepted offer yesterday!  After oodles of showings, we finally got an offer... shew!  Hoping everything goes well for a successful close. 

Babies on Deck

Yesterday I transferred 2 of my last 4 babies to my nice cozy uterine home.  I was fortunate to have my mom with me this time.  Wes could not take anymore time off work so I asked my mom to come.  She was definitely the next best thing:)  She didn't come into the room where the emby's were transferred but she was there with me for everything else, all the waiting.  I had read a study where a comedian came in after IVF transfers and the success rates just about doubled. She was looking up jokes on her Ipad.   They weren't that funny, nonetheless, they made me laugh and and definitely kept my spirits high.

It was a good day.

P.S.  here is an article about the study:  http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2011/jan/13/pregnancy-ivf-comedy-laughter-clown

31 and counting

Last Tuesday was my 31st birthday. It's interesting how we associate so much with age. My husband always tells me, "you are as old as you think you are". Well, I like to believe this for the most part. Sure, I don't 'feel' 31, nor do I feel 21. It's hard turning a whole year older knowing that on my 30th birthday I was struggling with the same TTC issues. A full year is a long time. However, we did start TTC soon after my 29th birthday. Anyhow, I have started my 31st year with new hope.  It’s another year of life and I have to live.... not only for me but most importantly for my husband.  He needs his wife.  There is no guarantee that this will be there year my husband and I take home a baby of our own, but I have hope and faith.   

Monday is going to be a good day:)   

Here is a picture my husband took of me with my 31^st birthday cake.  I really wanted a cookie cake and the only one’s available at Metcalf’s around 9PM were Easter cakes. 

 .

Who knew TTC would be so hard? Not me. We were taught that pregnancy can happen any time..  Ha! Oh how I wish I could get a refund for all the months of BCP's.

I have always wanted to be a mother and always hoped that one day I would be luck enough to find a wonderful man to start a family with. I have been so blessed to have found my husband Wes. He is the sweetest most wonderful person. I love him more than anything and the best part about it is that I know he feels the same about me. He's my soul mate. Unconditional love is hard to find and I am one of the lucky one's... I've found it:)

We met in 2003 at a wedding.  Married 4 years later. 

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.... 
We have the first two of the above completed.. The baby part.. not yet!  But hopefully soon:)

 Here is a short synopsys of my TTC road (still being traveled)


May 2010: Stop BCP's - No period for 5 months


Sept 2010: Failed Provera challenge to try and induce a bleed.


Oct 2010: Failed Provera challege AGAIN


November: Trid clomid.... Bleed 25 days later, did not ovulate


January: Clomid attempt #2. did not ovulate again, did not get period.


February: Clomid attempt #3: did not ovulate: bled 20ish days later


March 2011: Went to RE at Wisconsin Fertility Institute. Tried Femera, u/s 12 days later. 2 small follies growing. added more femera. 1 follie at 20mm. Triggered. and Timed Intercourse BFN


April 2011: Femera again. No follies grew. Doctor wanted me to wait until I finished training for my 1/2 marathon before proceeding to try another cycle. I was really hesitant to wait to do this but did it any way.


Stopped running and limit exercise.


May 2011: Femera + Follistim: 2 x 16mm follies. Triggered + Timed Intercourse BFN


June 2011: Decided to try Generations Fertility Institute for a month. Femera + Menopur (2 days). No follies grew. Moved me to Follistim... upped me to about 200iu and overstimmed... 40follies were growing! They CANCELLED my cycle. would not move me to IVF. So I switched back to WFI.


July: Decided to move to IVF.


July 2011: BCP's. for IVF


August /September 2011: Egg retrieval 20 eggs. 18 mature. 18 fertilized. 10 froze.


Canceled cycled due to server OHSS


October 2011: FET1 3 x 2mg estrodiol pills. lining at day 15 = 7.9 mm - BFN


FET#2: lining check = 6mm. added e2 patches. lining did not have triple stripe cancelled.


Moved to e2 Injects. FET#2 Dec 2011 BFP!!! Betas doubled beautifully.


u/s at 6weeks showed slow hb.


Jan 2011: D and C


March 2012


FET#3: 1st lining Prep poor lining. Had to shed lining. Cancelled


FET#3: lining prep = gret lining 10mm! BFN


Was I too stressed, depressed, exercising too much, who knows. The outcome was a BFN.


March/April 2012


Cycle agenda: Letrozole +Menopur (1 vial) +TI


CD12: Lining 8mm and 0 follies growing... did I ovulate. Nope! Progesterone = 0.48


4 more days of Menopur (1.5vials) = 10mm lining (pretty), no follies, and did not ovulate. Perfect lining for a FET so that is what we are going to do...


FET transfer on April 9th. Will transfer 2 of my last 4 frozen babies.

How do I feel?: Scared, helpless, excited, worried, nervous